


i'm no longer yours (i never was)

by odetodun



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Multi, Young Love, alcoholism mentioned, heartbroken bucky, wedding au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-14 07:21:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7159364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odetodun/pseuds/odetodun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky left Brooklyn and travelled all the way across America to avoid being hurt. But after five years away, not much has changed and he's back to watch the person he avoided get married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not sure how long this is going to be, but it contains a lot of sad bucky and that made me sad. bear with me and leave comments on improvements and such, hope you enjoy X

Bucky's head felt heavy as he stretched up from where he was sleeping, he immediately recognised it as Nat's living room - meaning he passed out on her couch again. 

"Get up, we have a plane to catch" Nat threw his bag at him and he coughed wildly when it pelted him in the stomach.

"Come on Barnes" she pulled him up and moved him into the bathroom with a pile of fresh clothes. He had barely registered the day when he climbed into the shower, but as the warm water cascaded over his aching body, it finally hit him. he was going home. Balancing his head against the cool tiles, he let his brain calm down before Nat banged on the bathroom door telling him to hurry up. Bucky showered quickly and pulled on the comfy clothes Nat had organised for him. 

"Have you realised what day it is?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow. Bucky flipped her off, stealing a large bite of her toast. Their plane wasn't until twelve, but Nat insisted on getting there two hours early so Bucky napped with his head in her lap whilst she read on her tablet. Bucky also slept most of the plane journey as well, but when they landed in New York his hands had never felt clammier and his heart threatened to explode the amount it was beating. 

"Buck!" he heard a familiar voice shout when he and Nat walked through the doors into the main airport. 

"Becca, my God I've fucking missed you" Bucky pulled her in for a tight hug, bump pressing against his stomach. He hadn't seen her for about a year, due to her not wanting to travel whilst pregnant and Joe having to work so much. 

"And you must be Natasha, thank you for looking after my big brother" Becca pulled Nat in for a hug, and despite initially being shock Nat melted into the contact and hugged her back. 

"Please call me Nat" she said politely and Becca nodded with a large smile.

"Uncle Bucky!" two little brunette's came bounding towards him and he engulfed them both with huge hugs. Florrie and George were the spitting image of Becca, but they had their Dad's green eyes. 

"Nice to see you Bucky" Joe said, patting Bucky on the shoulder. 

"Anyway, you two must be exhausted. Flights are always tiring" Becca said.

"Bucky wouldn't know, he slept most of the way here" Nat sighed, she was obviously tired herself. Becca began to talk freely with Nat about Bucky's sleeping habits as a teenager whilst Joe walked the kids to the car, both of them clinging to either of his arms. Bucky pulled along his and Nat's suitcases, and when they finally reached the cars, Bucky's old car was sat next to Becca's. 

"You'll need to get around somehow, follow us up to the guest house" Becca said, and Bucky thanked her with a kiss to her temple. 

The drive to the horribly big house wasn't awful, it was an hour long but that gave Nat time to catch up on her sleep before they were surrounded by wedding guests. 

"It should be under Barnes?" Bucky asked the reception and her face lit up as she found him on the screen. 

"Twin room, here are your keys. Enjoy your stay" she said chirpily and Nat thanked her whilst Bucky took off with the bags. 

"Why are you so desperate to get up there?" she asked as he almost stabbed a hole in the wall with the force he pushed the elevator button with. 

"Honestly Nat, I don't want to see him yet" he replied and she looked down, long eyelashed covering her eyes. Their room was huge, two double beds with a bedside table in between them and a double bathroom fit for royaltly. The large balcony looked over a garden, Bucky hadn't known there was even this much grass in New York. He could see the skyline in the distance, and remembered the beauty of actual New York rather than this overpriced throw up of green shit. Nat changed inot a black summer dress and tied her fiery hair into a messy ponytail. Bucky slipped into tight jeans a button up, brushing his hair with his hands. 

"You should've let me cut it before we left" Nat grumbled, and went at it with her hairbrush. Bucky groaned and whined as she pulled through the thick mass of hair, but it did look better once she had brushed it. 

"Let's go face the music then baby" Nat said, giving him a kiss on the forehead. 

"I don't even know what to say Nat, I haven't seen him in five years" Bucky sighed as he followed her out of the hotel room. 

"Just be friendly, or however you to used to be before- well you know. I've seen your charisma Bucky, its the reason I became friends with you" Nat gave his arm a quick squeeze before the elevator doors opened back into the large foyer. 

"There he is!" another familiae voice came from to the left of Bucky. 

"Tony Stark" Bucky smiled, and was met by the cheeky grin of Tony. 

"It's been a while" Tony said, giving Bucky a one armed hug. Nat introduced herself, shaking his hand and complimenting his work. 

"At least someone appreciates it, the guests are out back. Coming along?" Tony asked and Bucky nodded, following behind Nat and Tony. Once outside, Bucky was met by his sister and their two win siblings. Helena threw her arms around Bucky and squeezed him tightly whilst Archie awkwardly waved. 

"Haven't you got tall Lena, you get that off Pa" Bucky said and she gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

"Steve's over there Bucky" Becca said and he followed her gesture. Bucky could see that huge smile and beautifully blue eyes, but Steve had changed massively over the past five years. 

"He's not-" Bucky couldn't finish. 

"Not little Steve anymore, we know. Beefed up about a year after you left and has been like that ever since. It's crazy, almost never has health problems either" Helena told him and Bucky nodded along to what she was saying. Nat was in another conversation about Bucky to Becca, but Bucky just couldn't tear his eyes away from the man who felt familiar yet so much like a stranger at the same time. 

"I ain't even sure that's still Steve, looks like an imposter to me" Archie joked and Bucky huffed out an unconfident laugh. Bucky was still watching Steve when Steve's eyes decided to venture the garden, and they stopped dead where Bucky was stood. The eye contact made Bucky's skin crawl, and as did the falter in Steve's perfectly plastered smile. Bucky looked away, whispereing something to Nat about getting a drink, and practically flew to the bar to order a whiskey. 

"Bucky?" his voice was different, but Bucky knew it was him. 

"Hi" he said weakly, his normaly confident voice sounding pathetic.

"It's been a while, can still find you downing a glass of whiskey though" Steve attempted to joke and Bucky laughed dryly. 

"Steve, I've been looking for you" a thick English accent said and Bucky turned to be greeted by a beautiful lady who held Steve's arm. 

"This is Peggy. my fiancée" Steve said, and Bucky felt his stomach churn dangerously. 

"I'm-"

"Bucky! I've heard so much about you, all good I promise" Peggy rushed to say and Bucky smiled at her enthusiasm, Bucky actually envied it. 

"My father just wanted to speak to you Steve, if you have a moment" Peggy asked and Steve kept his eyes on Bucky for a moment. 

"Sure babe," Bucky's heart took another hit, this weekend was a bad idea, "I'll be out now". Steve left and Bucky finished his whiskey and dragged his hands through his hair. This was all wrong, he shouldn't even be here. 

"You must be Bucky?" someone asked, and Bucky nodded. 

"I'm Sam, Steve's-"

"You're the best man" Bucky said, and Sam nodded. 

"I know you should've probably been it, I've heard a lot about you" Sam said sincerely. 

"No, my sister tells me you and Steve are very good friends. I'm happy its you, at least its not Tony" Bucky said, and Sam laughed at him. They ordered a beer together and Sam started to tell him about Steve and Peggy, how they met, their story and all the other shit Bucky missed. Sam was comical and sarcastic, much like Bucky when he was younger. 

"They're inseparable, its kinda gross actually" Sam shook his head, finishing his beer. Bucky remembered people saying the same about him and Steve. 

"I bet, sort of glad I ain't been around to see it" Bucky replied jokingly, though he knew that he was being serious.

"You sound like him, got that Brooklyn twang" Sam smiled, showing the gap between his teeth. Bucky would find him attractive if he wasn't Steve's best friend, and most probably straight. 

"That's what growing up on the Brooklyn streets did to us" Steve said from behind Bucky. Bucky smiled into his beer bottle, but his smiled dimmed when Steve sat to Sam's right and ordered a drink with them. 

"Peg's taken a liking to your uh- girlfriend?" Steve asked and Bucky shook his head. 

"Just my best friend" Bucky tried not to sound bitter. Steve should know that Nat isn't his girlfriend, he was doing it on purpose. 

"She's a nice girl, I'd certainly like her to be my best friend" Tony said as he sat next to Bucky. Bucky rolled his eyes at Tony, and ordered another beer. 

"She's also very much out of your league Stark" Bucky said and Tony nudged his side. 

"Bet this cost you an arm and a leg" Bucky gestured to the hotel. 

"Peggy's father wanted the best for her, and this was the best" Steve told Bucky. Peggy's father sounded like an interfering bastard. This wasn't Steve's idea of the best, Steve loved old churches with the stained glass windows. When the sun ran in through the colours, Steve would paint them in so much detail. He'd tell Bucky about how he imagined getting married, and Bucky would smile and nod along watching as Steve's eyes lit up as he described the contrast of bright glass colours and the white of weddings. He would never have dreamed of a big house with artificial flowers and gardens. 

"Are you all ready for the big day?" Bucky asked, making sure his sarcasm was unreadable. 

"Pegs is still fretting, but she will until she's got a ring on her finger" Steve spoke about her with so much fond, it made Bucky feel sick.

'Come save me, have to get out.'

Bucky text Nat quickly, and waited for her. Sam had already started talking to Steve about his speech and Tony was more focused on something happening on his phone. 

"Come on then Buck, I'm jet lagged and need some sleep" Nat said, and Bucky jumped up all too quickly. 

"See you tomorrow" Sam said and Bucky gave him a small nod before leaving with Nat to the elevator. 

"I can't do this Nat, I can't stay here" Bucky whispered to her when they where in the elevator. 

"It's two more days, then we can go home and not come back" she said, lacing her arm through his and rubbing his hand. 

"He asked if you were me girlfriend, why would he ask that? Maybe his growth spurt came with memory loss" Bucky was upset and annoyed, and Nat was the only one he could bare his annoyance to. 

"Get an early night, you're off to get your suit tomorrow and I'm spending time with your sisters" Nat told Bucky, and he agreed to go to bed after a very long shower.


	2. Chapter 2

Brooklyn was still loud and dirty, but he breathed in the air like it was the cleanest he had ever smelt and he wandered the streets like it was just yesterday he played on them. It hadn't changed much in five years, much to Bucky's appreciation. He had noticed that the apartment block he had lived in had been expanded, and looked a lot more fancy than when he first moved in. Wandering along the familiar streets, he turned into Steve's old tenements. The alley where he and Steve met was still there, and although they had been modernised - the apartments hadn't changed layout since the 90s. 

"Bucky Barnes is that you?" He heard a welcoming voice say. 

"Rosie? Well don't you look beautiful dear" Bucky said, taking Rosie's hand in his own and kissing her knuckle. 

"And still as charming as ever, come on. You're coming up for a drink now" she said, and he followed her happily into her apartment. She had lived under Steve all his life, so when Bucky met Steve he also met Rosie. She did a lot for Steve and his Ma, looking after them because that's all she could do. 

"Steve's getting married then Buck?" She questioned him, as though it was his choice. 

"Yeah, she's a good broad Rosie" Bucky said. 

"You sound like your Pa," she handed him a lemonade and settled into her couch, "I've missed your face". Rosie must be about ten years younger than his Ma would've been, so around the age of forty now. She looked young and fit, despite the twenty a day habit she used to have. 

"I've missed you, can't believe you're still in here" he gestured to her small flat. 

"Couldn't live anywhere, although our Steve doesn't have that mindset" she looked away from him, her mind off places and her face sad. 

"He's in central New York now," Rosie started again, "just where Peggy wanted to live". The last bit came out with as much bitterness as Bucky had shown the situation. 

"He loves her" Bucky still tried to defend him, even though it wasn't much use. 

@I never understood what went on between you two, but the way you looked at him when he was a small, asthmatic boy was love" Rosie placed her small hands on top of Bucky's. 

"She has no idea how he was before, knew of him just payed no interest. But you Buck, you cared about him from the beginning. As you got older I watched you grow more and more fond of that kid, and you loved him so much Bucky" her words made Bucky's gut churn and he looked away from her. 

"I'm sorry, I'm being insensitive. I'm just upset that he forced you out of the one place you had loved forever. You ain't a LA boy, you're ours" she kissed his cheek tenderly and returned to her seat.

"It was for the best, I've made some good friendships over there Rosie. There's a good girl that takes care of me, you'd like her" Bucky reassured her. She updated Bucky on how life has treated her, she quit smoking and got off the drink a few months after he left. She was married, they only had a small affair and she didn't want to pull Bucky over here for it. 

"He's due back anytime, if you'd like to stay?" She asked. 

"I gotta get my suit, but I'll bring Nat over for you to meet soon Rosie" he stood up, and she followed him out of the door. Kissing his forehead as he left, she held his face in her hands and looked him in the eye. 

"Fight for what you love Buck, you always have" she said, and he bid her farewell before eventually finding the suit shop and picking up his crisp grey suit. He didn't bother to try it on, he just wanted to get back to the hotel and have a lie down before tonight's dinner party. The garden party wasn't enough, he was now forced to sit and eat amongst people he didn't know and everyone gushing over Steve and Peggy. 

"You're looking tired Buck" Helena touched his hand softly when he joined them where they were sat at the tables. The Barnes family had been given their own table, along with Nat next to Bucky and Tony with them. Tony had told him that he didn't want to sit at Steve's top table so he chose to sit with Bucky. 

Just been a long few days, saw Rosie today though" he told her and Helena's eyes lit up. 

"She's looking as good as ever, Oliver's really helped her out. He's a good man" Helena told him. Everyone knew about the changes in people's lives except from him. He was embarrassed by it, but avoiding Brooklyn for five years had felt like the only option to him. Starters were served, and Bucky pulled a face at the overly fancy food in front of him. The main didn't prove much better, a old looking piece of steak and some flowery shit he decided not to eat. He vowed that at his wedding, people would be eating burgers and fries. After the main went down, Peggy's father stood up and announced a speech. 

"Steve's always been a respectable man," he started and Tony nudged Bucky with a stupid smirk, "treated my daughter with the respect and grace she deserves. So of course I was only too happy when he asked for her hand in marriage". Steve was an old romantic, that didn't surprise Bucky at all. He finished the wine that had been served with his meal, and poured himself another glass swiftly. 

"I'd love to raise a toast to the happy couple, Steve and Peggy, soon to be Rogers" Peggy's father finished and everyone raised their glasses in unison. Bucky took a big gulp from his, and excused himself from the table once the conversation started to flow properly again. Nat was happy to talk to his sisters and Tony, but Bucky couldn't stand to be in such a stuffy room anymore. He loosened the black tie around his neck, and ordered another whiskey from the bar. He really needed to stop drinking so much, but it seemed like the only way he'd get through this is god awful shit show of a long weekend. Only two more days he told himself, and then he could fly back to LA and return to avoiding everyone here. 

"Saw you leave" Steve said, and Bucky gestured to his whiskey. 

"Surely you need to be entertaining your guests" Bucky said, his voice laced thickly with sarcasm. 

"They'll be fine, haven't spoken to you properly. Let's go outside" Steve said, and Bucky's legs complied before his brain did. He followed Steve outside to the lawn, and pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket. He gestured to Steve but he refused politely. 

"Still like that, even though you look like you've got iron lungs now" Bucky joked, and Steve huffed a laugh. 

"You know, I never wanted you to leave" Steve finally initiated the conversation that had been on Bucky's tongue. But now he had brought it up, it had brought nothing but anger. 

"Couldn't exactly fucking stay around here" Bucky snapped, taking a long drag from him cigarette. 

"Yes you could Buck" he said sincerely. 

"Don't call me that" he said, his gut churning. Steve looked hurt, but Bucky didn't even feel guilty. His head had been so full of shit for five years that he wanted to spew it all to Steve, but it was his wedding and that wasn't fair. 

"Bucky I'm sorry, I didn't want to hurt-" Bucky waved his hand, stopping Steve from talking. 

"You did Steve, you fucking hurt me. I was a mess when I left, Nat found me in a fucking alley and got me sorted because she pitied me" Bucky had put out his cigarette and was facing Steve properly now. 

"I've had too many partners to count to fill a void you left and I'm sick Steve, I left here to avoid life and it just made me lonelier than what I would've been here" Bucky finally said, his eyes threatening to spill. 

"Steve? Oh there you are love" Bucky heard that fucking accent say, so he turned away from her to hide himself. He needed to rest, tomorrow was meant to be the last day of preparations and Bucky could barely be in the same room as Steve without feeling sick. 

"I'm just coming babe" Steve said quietly, and she disappeared. 

"This isn't over Bucky, we need to-"

"No Steve, this is done. We are done, you're getting married to th- the love of your life in two days and that's it. There ain't anything else for me to say" Bucky wiped his eyes quickly. 

"You never used to back down" Steve said and Bucky bit down on his lip. Rosie's words echoed in his head but he had to ignore them. 

"Shit changes Rogers, that's life" Bucky said, before leaving Steve to head up to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay there's only a few chapters in this bc im bad at long fics, but yh hope everyone's enjoying X


	3. Chapter 3

"Uncle Buck, why'd you look so sad?" Florrie asked, her small hand touching his face. Bucky gave her a soft smile, holding her hand in his own. 

"When you fall in love Flo, make sure you're sure it's right" he said and her big eyes watched his movement.

"You love boys don't you?" She asked him and he replied with a nod.

"That's okay, we did a class on it and it's okay to love boys Uncle Bucky. If that's what is making you sad" she said, and Bucky's heart fluttered at her innocence and sincerity. 

"Thank you Florrie, now let's finish this flower then we can give it to Mommy" he said, picking up a pencil and helping her to colour in. 

"Never knew you were so artistic Bucky" Nat said, placing her hands on his shoulders comfortingly. She had sat with him most of the night whilst he cried, or rather tried to cry. His emotions didn't translate properly anymore, they hadn't for a while. 

"It's one of my many hidden talents" he finished off the petal, and let Florrie rip out the flower carefully and find her Mom. 

"How are you feeling?" She asked, her face showed concern and her eyes searched him for any signs that he was going to completely crumble. Bucky had never shown his vulnerability to anyone except Steve prior to Nat, but he had to be open with her. She acted like a therapist to him, and she always managed to talk him out of and into things that improved the way he was slightly. 

"I just want to go home Nat, I can't do this" he admitted, and she laced her hand in his and held him for a minute. 

"Tomorrow, he gets married and then we go back to LA. It's not long now baby" she reassured him, placing a kiss to his temple. She told him that she was going to help set up and that Bucky should see Brooklyn again before they left. He travelled down and parked his car by the docks, taking the same route he used to walk from school everyday. He was surprised to see the old corner shop still standing, and the familiar bell tinkled when he walked in. 

"Not you again" Mr Geoffries jokingly said from behind the counter. 

"Not stealing this time, but I do want some cherry bon bons" he asked and he was handed a dollar bag. 

"You and Steve used to come in here and buy the same thing every week, you're the only reason I kept a big stock of these things" Mr Geoffries said, his withering hand passing the candy over. 

"Thank you" Bucky slid him a ten dollar bill and told him to keep the change, before waving him goodbye and taking a familiar stroll down the docks. He popped a bon bon in his mouth, and chewed on the sweet taste that reminded him so much of simpler times. Bucky sat on the dockside, legs dangling over as he rested his head against the cool iron bar. 

"I thought I'd find you down here" Steve said, joining Bucky on the floor. Bucky offered him a bon bon which he took and sucked it between his lips. Bucky turned away, staring out into the water. His head hurt, and his entire body ached along with it. 

"I hate myself y'know, watching you hurt like this" Steve said. 

"I can bet it hurts more for me" Bucky still wouldn't look at Steve, but he heard Steve hum sadly in agreement.

"You cut off all ways of communication between us" Steve said, his voice sounding distant. 

"I needed to, I couldn't have the temptation of you anymore. Though it didn't work, I still thought about you every fucking day" Bucky felt angry again, but this time a wave of sadness took it away and replaced him with that dull ache he tried so hard to wash away. 

"You said you loved me, but we couldn't be us. I was naive and I let you hide me, let you hide who I was so I could be with you because that's all I wanted" Bucky felt the tears running down his cheeks, so he wiped them away and stood up quickly. 

"I did love you Bucky" Steve said, and it was like Bucky was hit by a train at full speed. Everything stopped for moment, he wished that Steve hadn't said that. Bucky could've lived his life with the idea Steve never truly loved him, and oddly that might have been easier than this. 

"Just not enough," Bucky managed to whisper, "it's so difficult for me not to love you. Not to want you". He faced Steve now, searching frantically for any sign of emotion. Steve couldn't meet Bucky's eyes. 

"Why did you invite me here?" Bucky asked, he sounded completely broken. Five years of bottled up emotion and drinking the pain away finally crept up on him as he bore his emotion to Steve. 

"You're an important part of my life" Steve croaked out. 

"So for selfish reasons? You could have left me, I could've avoided ever rekindling these horrible feelings. You wanted me to hurt, you did it before when you told me that my love wasn't good enough. You could so easily do it again, rub your fiancée in my face" Bucky tried to raise his voice but it cracked and he ended in a innocent whisper.

"I never wanted you to hur-"

"You did!" Bucky shouted, "you wanted me to hurt the minute you assured me that my feelings for you were returned. You should've left me alone from the beginning because you never planned to love me properly". Steve looked away, balancing himself on the railing and tightening his eyes. Bucky used his jacket to wipe up the tears that had soaked his cheeks now, he hadn't realised he'd been crying so much. He had so much more to say, but he couldn't. It wasn't fair on Steve. He had been able to move on and meet someone who he loved and wanted to be with. Not being able to find anyone wasn't Steve's fault, it was Bucky's. 

"I won't come tomorrow, it's not my place to be there" Bucky finally said, and Steve looked at him mournfully. 

"You have to be" Steve said but Bucky shook his head. 

"Watching you be around her is hard enough Steve, watching you marry her and say you'll be with her until death isn't something I can stomach" Bucky told him. 

"I'm sorry, for everything Buck. I was foolish and selfish, and I hurt the only person to ever see me for me. That will stay with me forever" Steve said, before walking away from where they were stood. Bucky's legs felt weak and his body was caving in on itself, he needed a drink. 

 

"You know, the love of my life is getting married today" Bucky told the girl behind the bar. She flashed him a pitiful look, before standing in front of him. 

"Why don't you go get her?" She asked him and Bucky laughed, shaking his head. 

"Go get him, and it's too late. I'm just going to be sad forever. Drinking every last feeling away" Bucky downed the vodka in front of him. 

"Everything can be saved or fought for if it means that much to you" she said, her eyes full of wisdom. Bucky dropped his head against the bar, and tried to stabilise his whizzing brain for a second. Rosie's advice still rang in his head 'fight for what you love, you always have'. Was Bucky being too passive about this situation? No, Steve loved Peggy and Bucky wasn't going to ruin it for them. He could never inflict pain on Steve, or anyone else for that matter. He had too much pain inside himself to make others feel the same way. Bucky managed to call a cab, and was packing his stuff into bags when Nat walked into the room. 

"You stay, as long as you want. Even if you want to stay with my sister that's fine. I have to go Nat, it's not good for me to be here" he said, another set of tears staining his cheeks.

"It's not good for you to be home either Bucky, you're alone and you need people around you" she said, kneeling in front of where Bucky was sat. 

"I need to go back to hiding away, pretending the pain doesn't exist" he told Nat and she shook her head. 

"You're wrong, but I can't stop you. When's the next flight back?" Nat asked him. 

"I'm going to sleep this alcohol off, then I have a plane at twelve tomorrow" Bucky knew it was an afternoon wedding, Steve and Peggy weren't tying the knot until three so he'd be long gone by then. Nat kissed his forehead briefly, before Bucky led down to sleep. 

 

By nine, he was ready to leave and Nat still tried to convince him to stay. 

"I can't Nat, but enjoy the wedding. Like I said, Becca will put you up if you want to stay any longer" he gave her a tight hug, and pulled his suitcase out of the room behind him. Luckily, he saw no one in the foyer. Everyone would be too busy getting ready. 

"Going so soon?" Tony asked him as Bucky got closer to his car. 

"I have to" Bucky said. 

"I'm not stupid Barnes, I've always known you loved him. But running away really is pathetic isn't it? Surely you want him to be happy" Tony said bluntly. 

"That's why I have to go Tony, he can't be happy with me lingering around like a bad smell" Bucky put his suitcase in the trunk and slammed it shut. 

"You're hurting him" Tony said and Bucky laughed sarcastically. 

"I'm hurting him? That's bullshit Tony and you fucking know it. I haven't done shit to him other than love him with all of my pathetic heart. So do not tell me I'm hurting him by leaving, when I've been hurting because of him for years" Bucky said, and turned away from Tony and whatever reply he had. 

"Have a safe journey Bucky, I'm sorry" Tony said before Bucky got into his car. His eyes threatened to spill as he drove to the airport, but he concentrated on the road to avoid it. He had booked the ticket online so once there all he had to do was get it from the ticket office and wait for two hours. Setting an alarm for just before twelve, he plugged his headphones and rested against the window. He felt his eyes drift closed as a quiet song flowed into his ears.  
His alarm shocked him awake and half past eleven, and he pulled his headphones out quickly. Stretching his cramped muscles, he recovered his ticket and got up to leave. 

"Bucky?" he heard his voice, and he turned to see Steve staring at him. 

"What are you doing here? You get married in three hours" Bucky shook his head, walking closer to Steve. Steve still had his dress pants on, smart shirt not buttoned up properly and his tie wonky. Bucky reached out and moved his tie so it sat over his buttons. 

"I couldn't do it Buck" Steve met his eyes now, and Bucky felt his heart miss a beat. 

"Couldn't do what?" Bucky asked. 

"I can't marry her Bucky" Steve told him. Everything around Bucky slowed, he swore people were in slow motion and the clocks themselves even slowed. 

"I knew I loved you, and I thought I could pretend I didn't. I was selfish and wrong, I hate myself for what I did to you. You were everything to me and I should have kept you, not been ashamed of who I was. She knows, she says she's known for a while but wanted to make sure I was happy. I love her Bucky, but as soon as I saw you I knew it wasn't as much as I loved you. I do love you Bucky" Steve poured his heart out to Bucky, and Bucky still couldn't feel the air properly. Instead of replying, he pulled Steve's face down and planted a kiss on his soft lips. Bucky had missed the feeling of their lips against each other, the electricity and the goosebumps that came with it. 

"Don't go back to LA" Steve practically begged, gesturing to Bucky's ticket. 

"If you're serious this time Steve, if you want to actually make a go of it. If you won't leave me, I'll rip this ticket up right now and leave the small amount of shit I have in LA to stay with you" Bucky said honestly. 

"I mean it, I'm serious. I want to be with you and only you" Steve said, leaning down to kiss Bucky again. Bucky ripped the ticket in half and tossed it into the bin near him. Everything felt easy for a minute, but then Bucky realised that Peggy will be hurting. He couldn't just turn up and flaunt Steve in here face, suddenly he was regretting ripping the ticket up.

"Peggy?" Bucky asked.

"Going back to England, we were planning on doing so together but she's going back with her parents tomorrow" Steve's eyes showed flickers of sadness.

"I meant how is she?" Bucky asked.

"Upset, of course she is. But she wants my happiness and I hope she can forgive me" Steve told him. Bucky felt guilty, but Steve was holding him and Steve loved him. Selfishly, that's all that mattered for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the second to last chapter bc it's my first stevebucky fic and im going to be working on a long one after this. hope people enjoy these next two chapters! x


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky felt the sun on his face before he opened his eyes, and when he did the room was a shining star of yellow and orange. The sheets that draped hastily over his body looked golden as the sun crept in through the blinds, and the heat he could feel made it like he was floating through clouds of golden sunlight. Turns out, the heat he felt was actually radiating off of Steve, who had his thick thigh on top of Bucky's and his arm draped over his stomach. Bucky led there for a minute, eyes watching the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Cherishing every moment where Steve wasn't shying away from Bucky's loving stare. Beautifully blonde hair was a tousled mess, and Bucky couldn't resist reaching out and running his fingers through it. This caused Steve to stir, blue eyes opening gradually to look at Bucky. Eyes full of life and love, and Bucky fell for those eyes every morning. 

"Good morning" Bucky said, and Steve smiled his bewildered morning smile, stretching up to plant a kiss on Bucky's lips. When Steve stood up, Bucky watched as his pale ass was illuminated by the sun and his eyes zoned in on a purple bruise.

"I think I bruised you last night" Bucky poked Steve's butt cheek near the bruise and Steve swatted his hand away. 

"That's the last time I tell you to bite my ass, you know I didn't mean literally" Steve told him, rubbing over the purple mark. Bucky let out a hearty laugh, clutching his chest as Steve turned scarlet. He got a pillow to the face and Bucky jumped out of bed to chase Steve out of the bedroom. Steve giggled hysterically as Bucky finally caught him, pushing him up against the kitchen counter. Steve bowed his head and kissed Bucky slowly but passionately. 

"After last night, I'm surprised you're still in the mood for anything? Did I not wear you out?" Bucky said, cheeky grin spilling over his face. 

"Maybe I can keep up now" Steve said, voice low and sensual. Bucky let his eyes drop down Steve's body and take in the sight in front of him. Before Steve had his miraculous growth spurt, Bucky would have tobe careful with Steve during sex so not to hurt him or to make sure he didn't get out of breath. But it was true, Steve could keep up very well now and Bucky enjoyed it just as much. Just as Bucky was about to drag Steve into the bedroom, they were rudely interrupted by a loud knock on the door. 

"I'm coming in, if you're naked hurry and find something" Nat said, and Bucky pulled on a pair of boxers from the dryer as Steve ran off to find something. Nat made sure it was safe to look before she came in properly, and Bucky stood in his boxers making coffee. 

"You didn't forget about our lunch date did you Buck?" Nat asked, and the look on Bucky's face must have told her the truth before Bucky had the chance. 

"Let me get dressed, I'll be two minutes" Bucky said, disappearing from her view. 

It was half an hour before Nat and him found somewhere to eat, it was a small deli that Bucky had found a few weeks ago and went there for lunch during his breaks. They sat in the comfy seats by the window as Nat tucked into her salad.

"Things are going well between you two?" Nat asked, as she did everytime since him and Steve had gotten back together. At first, Bucky had struggled with trust and forgiveness. He was overall happy to have Steve back, but the underlying worry that Steve would leave him stayed for the first few weeks. This made their relationship very difficult to move on. Fortunately, Steve meant what he said in the airport, he wanted to stay by Bucky's side and he was definitely willing to show that by making sure that Bucky trusted him before they went too fast. Amazed by the fact Steve was sticking around despite Bucky being difficult, Bucky started to trust him and their relationship flourished from there. Nat decided to stay in New York with Bucky, getting her own place and finding a job in some big business. Bucky enjoyed his job as a simple office worker, it payed and he only needed that. Steve was busy persuing his art career, something he would've had to give up if he moved to England. Everything seemed to be working for Bucky, but Nat still wanted to check up on him.

"Everything's good Nat, but what about your love life?" Bucky asked and she cut him a look as if to say shut up before I make you. Bucky laughed and finished his coffee, keeping his sole focus on Nat as she told him about her asshole boss and his incredibely sexist comments about her work skirt. Nat talked for the both of them, Bucky putting in the necessary comments and letting her take the flow of the conversation. 

"Anyway, I have yoga soon. So I'm going to have to love you and leave you Buck, see you soon" she planted kiss on his forehead and left with a flash of red hair and a wave. Bucky payed for the food before venturing out into busy New York, his feet following the path to the small art gallery Steve was showing some pieces at. 

"And for the final piece, this ones my favourite, its the only portrait I've ever painted. Unfortunately, this ones not for sale" Steve was gesturing to a large picture of someone curled up on the couch, their mouth wide open in a laugh and hand clutching their chest. It took Bucky a moment to realise that the painting was of him, and he watched as Steve talked about how he painted it. 

"It's easy to paint something that you love, and that's why he is so easy to paint" Steve's finishing line was, and then he met the eyes of Bucky who was eyeing him from acorss the room. 

"I didn't know you were coming" Steve said when he tore himself away from the crowd. 

"Couldn't miss this for the world, I like that one" Bucky said, pointing to the painting of him. 

"Of course you do, always loved yourself you" Steve said. Bucky smiled, and leaned up to kiss Steve briefly. 

"You're his muse then" a lady said from behind them. Steve nodded and introduced himself to the young lady. 

"I'd love to buy a piece, if it means I can find a muse like him" she said, and Steve follower her over to a painting of New York. Bucky watched his boyfriend in his element, and everything felt good. No heartache, no pain, just the love he felt for the man across the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is my very short fic done! i love writing these fics and i'm getting started on a long 1940's stevebucky fic now. i know the ending is conflicting for some but i wanted to have a happy ending because i'm a sucker for happiness. thank you for reading!!


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